In this heartfelt episode, Kristie King welcomes Lora J. Stafford, caregiving champion and program coordinator at the National Kidney Foundation of Michigan. Lora shares her personal caregiving journey caring for both parents and her sister, while offering insight into the emotional complexity of caregiving, family dynamics, and the importance of self-care. From embracing respite care to breaking generational barriers around mental health, Lora brings wisdom, humor, and real-life advice for caregivers at every stage of the journey.
Caregiving Journey
Family Dynamics
Self-Care & Respite
Mental Health & Mindset
Caregiver Tools & Final Reflections
Learn More
Connect with Lora through the National Kidney Foundation of Michigan: lstafford@nkfm.org
Learn more about caregiving resources at: www.semisrc.org
Contact us: info@miseniors.org | 888-341-8593
Kristie: [00:00:00] Welcome back to Caregiver Conversations where we provide support, resources, and inspiration for those caring for loved ones. Through sharing personal stories and expert insights, we aim to help caregivers navigate both the challenges and rewards of caregiving. Thank you for joining us. We're so glad you're here with us today as we discuss caregiving self-care and the family dynamics that come into play when you're supporting your loved one.
Today we're thrilled to welcome Lora J. Stafford to the show. Lora is a retiree from the Michigan Court of Appeals, and currently she serves as a program coordinator at the National Kidney Foundation of Michigan as a master instructor for enhanced fitness. Her caregiving journey has been impactful and she brings valuable insights into the challenges caregivers face.
Welcome to the show, Ms. Lora. Thank
Lora: you. It's good to be here.
Kristie: Thank you. Lora has had firsthand experience as a caregiver for both her parents, and now as she supports her sister. Her story [00:01:00] reflects the complexities and rewards of caregiving. We are so glad once again to have you here to share your story with us.
So Ms. Lora, and I'm gonna call you Ms. Lora 'cause I know you , and so I always think that's important to let our listeners know that there's often some personal connections to the guests that we ask to bring on. And I've always thought that your caregiving journey and how you've done the work along the way and incorporated into your everyday life.
Every day, everything, um, has been so important to who you are. So let's start by hearing a little bit about your caregiving journey. You've cared for both your parents and now your sister. What was it like for you stepping into that caregiving role for the first time, and how did your experience shape your approach to caregiving?
Lora: Well, I'll tell you, um, I don't know anyone who actually, uh, embraces the , the idea of caregiving when, uh, we live busy lives. Um, a lot of times it's, again, [00:02:00] it's self-sacrificial because you've got to donate that time in which you've already, in your mindset. Put it somewhere else. Um, balancing careers, balancing, uh, health issues for children, um, if you are one of those that are in that sandwich, um, situation as well.
Um, also in your own, um, health journey, um, trying to get everything in the balance. It's , it, it, it's so, it, it's so important. Um, I remember, um, in school we had, uh, uh, the rating that said, um, manages time. Well, that was not me. . . That was not me. But, um, the caregiving journey actually pushed me to more of the, of a, um, a mindset of my time is very valuable and I have to balance it well to get everything in.
Um. I [00:03:00] was working at the time that, uh, my mother, uh, took you. Um, and, um, it was a, a time, a, a, a journey that, um, I didn't wanna, I really didn't wanna embrace it because my mom developed, uh, uh, dementia. I. And, uh, family members as well as myself. First of all, you're in denial.
Kristie: Mm.
Lora: She's okay. Mm-hmm . She'll be okay, especially if that person is a strong, the, the, the backbone, uh, and always has been the, uh, a leader and, and one that you've looked up to.
You certainly in your own mindset, don't want to embrace the fact that that person is no longer capable of doing what they have been doing. And I don't care what age you are. Uh, because at the time I was in my fifties and, uh, my mom was in her eighties and, and, you know, um, who, who wants to see their parents, uh, as they, they, they have less capabilities.
Mm-hmm . No one wants to see that. No one wants to embrace it because then you're looking at your own future. Mm.
Kristie: So
Lora: you have to kinda look inside [00:04:00] yourself. So anyway, um, I was working and, um, it was a, um, . My mom said, uh, I need you to see where I'm leaving my important purpose because I just feel like I'm losing it.
And, uh, I just felt like mom was overwhelmed. Oh, she's just overwhelmed. She's just saying that.
Kristie: So she knew something was happening. Mm-hmm. She knew something was happening.
Lora: It was the family that was not, um, actually embracing the fact that she, even, even her husband and my parents had been married 71 years.
Mm-hmm . My dad said, your mother's just acting. Wow. And, and older people have a tendency too, to reflect back on, um, uh, times past. So my dad, uh, while caring for my mom and my father had not been diagnosed with dementia, but my father was saying some things that had happened early on in, in, in their relationship.
And, and it, it took me to, uh, to tell him, dad, uh, but you didn't straighten out then. You can't [00:05:00] straighten out now. Mm. And that basically is, um, uh, something that we can use in our journey of, of, uh, caregiving. I, I said to myself that I had to, um, grieve the mother. I, I, uh, had and embrace the mother I have.
Kristie: Yeah.
Lora: So that means you have to roll those sleeves up and do what you have to do.
Kristie: It's that emotional journey that comes along with it. So it's not just the day-to-day piece about it, it's the emotional journey as well. So, you know, you, you talked a little bit about, you know, family was in denial. Mm-hmm
Um, can you talk about how you've navigated those family dynamics in this process, especially when caregiving is shared with other family members. So it wasn't just you, but you have siblings as well. So how did you, you know, you're on this emotional journey. I. You, you are doing something different, right?
So how did you navigate those family dynamics in this process?
Lora: Well, the only thing you can do [00:06:00] is if you want your loved one to get that care, you have to do it yourself. Um, you can, um, hold onto those emotions. Well, you were the favorite, or in my case, you know, you, uh, my one sibling is an RN and had been in that line of work and all but.
If you want it done, do it yourself because you don't want that parent or the parents or whoever you're caregiving for to suffer because you've got some, some beef, if you will, with your siblings. Has to get done. Gotta
Kristie: get done. Yeah.
Lora: You
Kristie: gotta get done. Mm-hmm . So in that spot, and when we think about going through the caregiving journey itself and navigating family and, and life just changing, you know, we know that we talk a lot about respite care and we often talk about the importance of respite care and that it's an essential aspect of caregiving that often gets overlooked, overlooked, and probably just inaccessible for some.
So [00:07:00] you've . Highlighted a lot about your journey. Yeah. So can you talk a little bit about how, uh, respite was important for you and why do you believe it's crucial for caregivers to have this support?
Lora: Well, you need to be able to have yourself together before you can care for others. Mm-hmm . And again, I spoke about time management and, and you've gotta be organized enough, but sometime we fall off the, the, the plate.
and I'm finding that even after, um, my father passed away five years ago, then I have to navigate my way back to make sure that I have all my appointments lined up. Mm-hmm . And I'm able to, uh, to, uh, attend them. Um, we have a tendency to put ourselves on the, uh, back burner. And, um, if you have health challenges or you've got things going on, um, again, you've gotta be so well organized and, um, [00:08:00] know that, um, you are important too.
Um, things like, uh, the working out, uh, things like getting the massages, things like if you're one that retail therapy mm-hmm. , uh, you've gotta have something. You've gotta have something for those who are, um, . Um, believe in, uh, higher power, whatever that thing is, you've gotta embrace that and hold onto it.
There's gotta be some line there of steadiness of things that you could go to, uh, for some people's meditation, for some people it's prayer. Whatever it is, it's, uh, could be music, therapy, whatever it is, embrace that and hold onto it because that, that will sustain you and get you through. Um, I can't speak enough about, um, being prepared.
Um, if, if you haven't been challenged, uh, yet with, um, the balance of caregiving, um, prepare yourself. Prepare yourself. You may not need the [00:09:00] information, but someone else will. Mm-hmm . And if that, uh, it could be someone who's gonna care for you, but you do need that information. You do need the information.
And again, don't put yourself on the back burner. You are important, and if your health is not, uh, up to power or if your mindset is not where it should be, you can give your best to the ones you're caring for. So true.
Kristie: So, so very true. And, and kind of what I'm hearing you say as well is that respite care can look different.
It doesn't have to be the standard, but respite is taking care of yourself. However that is, that's going to your doctor's appointment. It might not mean I'm going, uh, to the movies. That's right. But it's just respite care and thinking differently around how you bring that in to make sure you're supporting yourself along the way.
Lora: Exactly. Exactly.
Kristie: So talk a little bit about the journey of sometimes how caregivers feel guilty. You know, I have, I, when I'm, when, when I'm talking a lot in this, in this caregiver podcast space, that guilt [00:10:00] often comes up about, you know, it's like, take care of yourself, take care of yourself. But sometimes it is the guilt about taking that time from themselves.
And although we know self-care is vital, how can caregivers overcome this guilt and really prioritize their own wellbeing without feeling like they're neglecting their loved one?
Lora: Well, the first thing is to . You've gotta just do it . You have to just do it. Um, and sometimes if you practice in your mindset and, and, and you tell yourself self, you know, meditation, this is for me so that I can be better, so that I can do better.
So that I can help more. Because once again, as if, if you are pouring out. Who's pouring into you. Mm-hmm . So you've gotta make sure that you're okay. Some people put it in a category of vanity, some people put it in a category of, again, you know that, that, that guilt feeling, but you've gotta take care of you.
Mm-hmm . There's nothing [00:11:00] wrong with loving yourself. You know, people try to guilt you into a certain mindset that they may have. Mm-hmm . It's gotta fit your situation. .
Kristie: Yeah. It's
Lora: gotta fit your situation. I remember when my dad passed away and I, I told my daughter. I'm going to take a trip, and she said, mom, she says, that seems to be disrespectful.
Kristie: And
Lora: I said, I gotta go. So you have to know your own barometer. Know what it is, and know when you get to a point where you feel like you're overwhelmed and take that trip, okay? If you are fortunate enough where you can get away, get away. Because the same person that is, is, uh, doing the caregiving is the same person that needs rest.
needs respite care. Yeah. Okay. So I can't stress that enough. If, if I had not gone away, and by the way, my daughter said, mom, you know you did the right thing. Mm-hmm . And I said, [00:12:00] I know I did. Because you have to listen to that inner spirit. You have to, um, talk to yourself and say, I'm doing this for me. And whether or not you feel guilty or not, you'll get over it.
Kristie: I think you'll get over it. I, I think one of the things you said, I had another guest talk about that love aspect, that you gotta love yourself first. Yes. In order to be the most effective. And I'm summarizing of course, but to be the most effective you can be, love is important, and loving yourself just as you love your loved one.
Um, how critical that is in all of this. That's right. So in that conversation mm-hmm . As we talk about the caregiver journey, we talk about self-care, we talk about respite. Everyone is a caregiver to themselves in some capacity. That's right. That's every, that's every day. That's right. Every day when wake up every day.
That's right. What strategies or practices have helped you maintain balance in your own life as you, as you've care for others and as you care now because you also, um, do some [00:13:00] caregiving for your sister, one of your sisters, right? And so how do you make sure that you're incorporating your own strategies and your own practices to help you maintain that balance?
Lora: I'm doing that by trying to maintain a, um, a more healthy lifestyle, if you will. And, uh, consistency is key, um, in achieving, uh, that, that goal. And, uh, as I get older, uh, I'm finding that things like strength training, um, are, um, helping me to sustain, uh, helping my mindset, helping, um, my physique, um, all of that because, um,
As we get older, changes do occur, but once again, um, if you are looking at helping others help yourself, first I use myself as, uh, as a guideline and it, if it's helped me, I try to share that. And when I'm trying to share information with others, because as a caregiver [00:14:00] and sometimes in our mindset or those that we are caring for.
Um, you can't put it in a box because if you are a person that is, um, around other people or you've got the, um, uh, how should I say, you've got, uh, all of these, uh, different avenues people can go to, to, to help themselves. That's a form of caregiving too. You've got the information, what do you intend to do about it?
Mm-hmm . So, uh, I'll tell people, well, I've tried this and this happens to work for me. Um, as we get older too, sometime we go into a, um, a state of, uh, depression. Mm-hmm. Sometimes, um, this is a new year. We go into a, what haven't I done? We go into a comparative analysis mm-hmm. With what our friends have done, where I should be at this age stage in my life.
Oh my God. And it, it gets to a point where it's a downward spiral. If you concentrate on, [00:15:00] um, positive things, you have to watch your spirit because what you take into your spirit, that's what you're going to manifest. So again, you try to keep a, a positive mindset and, and, um, and, and things that we take into our spirit, people that we are around.
Okay. Um, someone said, if you're not around, people who are doing, um, uh, well or doing . Doing things for other people, you're around the wrong set of people, . You really do have to to think about that because, um, we put things in our subconscious, we don't even ,
Kristie: we don't even realize. Very true in those terms as well.
And you talk about mindset. Mm-hmm . You often talk in our spaces, in our caregiving spaces about the importance of maintaining that mental health, that positive mental health. Oh my goodness. Can you talk a little bit about how that's impacted you along your journey? Well,
Lora: there was, uh, a time when, and I spoke of this earlier when, uh, my [00:16:00] mother said she was losing it.
And, um, when I look back on family history and, um, knowing that, um, my mother's mother had dementia, things like that, um, we do have to look at our family history and. Do a little research and, and as some of, um, the younger people say, sometime you have to break those, um, um, what is it? Those generational, generational curses.
Yes, yes, yes. Yeah. And, and also it takes, um, you being honest enough and open enough to say that, uh, I may have issues, don't be hesitant, uh, in seeking, uh, some therapy.
Kristie: Mm-hmm.
Lora: My daughter currently has acupuncture therapy. Mm-hmm . Speaks to therapists. Younger people seem to embrace that more than older people, especially people of color.
Mm-hmm . We don't want to embrace [00:17:00] the fact that yes, there may be something going on there. Mm-hmm . Because might be weak, might be a sign of weakness. Somebody Yeah. And it and it, it isn't, but the thing is that we, as a people, we tend to just. , push that to, uh, well, don't be around your uncle 'cause you know, he's kind of funny acting.
Mm-hmm . Or something like that. Mm-hmm . Rather than to deal with the issue at hand. Mm-hmm . Don't run from it. Deal with it. Mm-hmm . Deal with it. Don't be a person that, um, as again, as we age, if there's something that you need to clarify, um, in your own mindset, we can't change other people. Mm-hmm . But we certainly can change how we deal with those people.
So we need to be of the mindset of getting me together so that I can function. Um, and, and once you've done that, uh, then you'll just, your, your whole mindset will change. Um, and, and please don't, don't wait until you are in your sixties to do it .
Kristie: So once again, being honest and [00:18:00] open about those mental health pieces and being okay with it.
'cause it's okay to, to seek different therapies. That's right. That may help you, it may not be just one, it may not be just talk therapy, but it could be a number of other therapies out there as well to help you. Through, through, through this time, through that caregiving space, because sometime that caregiving journey can be long.
That's right.
Lora: You know, and I can say this as well though, there's no . This is the book for caregiving. Yes. Because if it works for you, um, sometimes you've got a good support system, sometimes you don't.
Kristie: Mm-hmm .
Lora: But once again, the, the, it has to get done. But if you can just control those, some of those negative feelings because.
A lot of times we take things personal.
Kristie: Yeah.
Lora: And it's not, it's not about you. Yeah. When you're caregiving, it's about them. Mm-hmm . So again, there's a balance. Uh, one of my coworkers used to say, miss Balance, and I say Yes, because if you achieve balance within yourself, then you won't be trying to look for balance in other people.
Mm-hmm . They've gotta seek that, not [00:19:00] you. Mm-hmm . We've got a whole lot of analysts out here that unlicensed therapists, quasi quasi psychologist out here. And, and again, sometimes for, for some people it's, it's not necessarily going to a psychologist. It could be going to your minister. It could be going to a friend who has good guidance.
Yeah. But seek wise, consult and make sure that it works for you. Weigh it out first. Someone said it's like a banquet, if that doesn't work for you. Get something else .
Kristie: So add into your toolbox, add into your caregiver journey. Definitely toolbox. So in that, what are some final lessons learned that you've learned through this caregiving experience?
'cause it seems like you've learned a lot of lessons along the way. I have
Lora: it it once you, once you've been a caregiver. Always a caregiver.
Kristie: Yeah,
Lora: always a a caregiver, always a caregiver point. I'm not a full-time caregiver for my sister, but, um, I know in, in, um, [00:20:00] uh, some our conversations with other caregivers, sometimes we'll go, well, uh, let's see here.
Um, you should do this or you should do that. Uh, I could do it myself.
Kristie: Mm-hmm .
Lora: Um, I had a conversation with my sister yesterday. She told me in her apartment complex that there's a wind draft coming in, and she says, uh, I need you to go to Home Depot and pick up some, some things for me. And so, um, my first reaction was, okay, not a problem.
I'll go, you know, I'll do that, or, mm-hmm . You know, I'll get over there. And then I thought about it and I said, okay. I said, I'm gonna get these window treatments, um, uh, for you or the, the window coverings. And uh, the gentleman, maintenance guy came by and I said, well, once you get them, someone's gonna have to put them up.
So he happened to pass by and I said, would you mind putting these up for my sister? But another thought crossed my mind, I told my sister, I said, you've got a son, [00:21:00] you've got grandchildren. And they always sit under you. They always say, grandma, can you this for me? Grandma, can you that for me? I said, ask one of them.
Will they kindly help you put these up or something else that you need? Don't be afraid to ask. Mm-hmm . If you need help.
Kristie: Mm-hmm .
Lora: Ask for it. Sometimes people take it personally when you don't. Ask, uh, them to do things for you. Sometimes you have to look and see a situation and say, I'll do this, but if that is not happening, ask.
Okay. You have not because you asked, not .
Kristie: So part of that lesson learned is be okay with redirection. That's right. As a caregiver to others, um, reating and even speak up. That's right. You know, a good lesson learned.
Lora: That's right. Sometimes we run through a, a, a series of emotions and that's okay. And sometimes you will get a little angry and sometimes you take it personally.
Kristie: [00:22:00] Mm-hmm .
Lora: Okay. But, uh, in that journey, in that journey. Um, just you, you have to think in terms of sometime these, the folks that you're caring for, they haven't gotten that therapy. You've gotten, they haven't mm-hmm . Uh, tread that same road that you've tread. So do better, do better because one day. You may be in that same situation.
Very true. Okay.
Kristie: Very, very true. Yes. So you've shared so much wisdom today. Before we wrap up, is there anything else you'd like to share with our listeners about the importance of caregiving or self-care?
Lora: Just remember to put you at the top of the list as well. Okay. As you're giving care, get care and love yourself.
Kristie: Love yourself. That's always a, a good message. Thank you so much for sharing your story, Lora. You're welcome. It's clear that caregiving takes grace, strength, and we can't forget that self-care is just as important. It's how can our listeners find out more about you [00:23:00] and your work?
Lora: I'm actually a caregiving champion with the SRC, so reach out and, uh, join us.
As a matter of fact, you may have something you want to contribute in your caregiving journey. I'm oftentimes surprised and enlightened, if you will, with the stories that are, uh, told to us by, um, some of our younger caregivers. Caregiving doesn't have a, an age. Because a lot of us are caregivers and don't even realize it.
Kristie: That's right.
Lora: Okay. But care enough to be a good caregiver. A good
Kristie: caregiver. I hear you. Thank you again, Lora, for being here today. You're welcome. Your insights are definitely invaluable. For our listeners, if you wanna learn more about caregiving or find resources, please check out some of Lora's work at the National Kidney Foundation of Michigan and enhanced fitness.
I think it's nkfm.org. That's it. All right. I'll never forget that. . .
Lora: That was my manager, y'all.
Kristie: Thank you. [00:24:00] So thank you for tuning in to Caregiver Conversations. If you enjoyed today's episode, please subscribe. Leave us a review and share with a friend or fellow caregiver. For more resources and updates, follow us on social media or visit www.se mirc.org.
You can also reach us at info, that's INF o@miseniors.org, or call 8 8 8 3 4 1 8 5 9 3. You can also find out more about our caregiving coalition at these same contacts. Thank you again for tuning in and remember, you're not alone on this journey. Until next time, take care and keep caring.